Defending my PhD during the Circuit Breaker

Finalising and defending my PhD during the circuit-breaker was a bitter-sweet experience. The beginning of the circuit breaker in Singapore coincided neatly with my self-imposed lockdown for the final lap of dissertation writing.

Some of my colleagues complained about the monotony of everyday and the difficulty in finding creative inspiration. But in the midst of endless formatting and spell-checks, inspiration can even be a distraction. The ‘new normal’ worked like a charm for this phase of my PhD, so much so that I even managed to submit by draft before time. It was then that the tables turned on me.

My PhD topic had become somewhat of an obsession towards the end, and when the final draft was submitted, it was both a moment of elation and emptiness. The lockdown meant that I could neither share the joy with friends and family, nor fill the emptiness with something new. Of course, like everyone else, I went through phases of Netflix binging, elaborate cooking, discovering my crafty side (I knitted a scarf that I will never use in tropical Singapore), and pursuing an online course (Python for planners) to rid myself of the guilt after the first three phases. But eventually I was phased out, desperately seeking inspiration.

I found a new purpose in preparing my thesis defence presentation. Finally, I had a task at that I could enjoy while being productive. In hindsight, all the time spent on perfecting my thirty slides may not have been worth it, but it sure was nice to have a target to work towards again.

I went a ‘bit’ over-board, with templates, animations, colour palettes, recorded practice sessions, with different screen configurations, in different rooms, standing up, sitting down (FYI, I was much more confident when I presented standing up), with different microphones (I had three!), lighting settings, virtual backgrounds... And despite all of this, on the day of the presentation, we began late, the lightbulb in the room exploded, and all three microphones failed (I borrowed a fourth one from my housemate Phil).

In the end none of these mishaps bothered me. I finished on time, received good feedback, and when the presentation was over, I found (five) friends waiting outside cheering for me, thanks to the phase two reopening in Singapore. What bothered me was that even though the whole show was over, things felt unfinished.  

I always imagined that after my defense, I would have my ‘intellectual moment’ discussing my work over a glass of wine with my colleagues, and I would have my ‘emotional moment’ expressing gratitude to my colleagues in FCL, supervisors, and examiners in person, and my family would be with me through this. None of that happened, and a dry zoom call is a poor replacement for all this. One day, maybe at an FCL alumni event in the future, I hope I can retrieve some of these moments.